All I Want for Christmas...

It's official. I'm a college graduate.

It's also official. I hate being sick.

I graduated from Biola University on December 19th, 2008 with a degree in English/writing, and a minor in Biblical Studies. After 3 1/2 years here I was really excited to finally be done with homework and papers and schedules and classes and everything.... now... well, I still am.

I'll miss walking from class to class, but I won't miss sitting in class. (Of course, there are exceptions, like Jesus' Life and Ministry - I'd sit in that class again)

I'll miss eating around the big round tables in the caf, but I won't miss trying to find a table with the 1,200 new freshman already occupying every breathing space.

I'll miss sitting next to the fountain where the sun always shines brighter reading for class, but I won't miss required reading when I can read for fun.

Part Two:

I hate being sick. I hate feeling like someone is stabbing me in the throat every time I swallow. I hate not being able to eat. Hah! I'm so hungry! 

I started feeling sick Sunday after church, which, all things considering, is a good thing since I wanted my family to go to my church so badly. I think they're going to go to the Christmas Eve service today too - the 12:30 pm service of course, with the free In-N-Out... that's the way my church does it! Haha! 

I feel really bad that I'm sick because I haven't been able to entertain my family while we've been stuck down here. Our flight to Seattle got cancelled on Monday morning because of the blizzards we've been having up there. So our next chance out is Christmas Day... let's hope the the storms allow for us to come in. We, none of us, have any presents for each other so I guess it all works out. Besides, the only thing I want for Christmas is my health back - that would be awesome.

So they're all leaving to go to the Christmas Eve service and I'm sitting on the couch writing this blog drinking Clove Tea - my sister recommended it. 

That's my life up until now. Graduated. Sick. Everything great and everything bad rolled up into one. Lovely. 

Merry Christmas though!!! Well, almost.

Bah.

Finals.

Almost done.

Paper - finished.

Sacrificed: sleep.

Only two hours last night.

Need coffee.

Done.

Twilight as Emotional Porn and Other arguments Against the Series

I have so many thoughts on this.

First, let's start with a basic definition of what pornography is and what it does. It is, as I have come to define more metaphysically than explicitly, an "idolatry of a perversion of reality" and it makes those addicted to it dissatisfied with real life. If you disagree with this idea please let me know, because I'm open to understanding and incorporating other viewpoints on the matter. This is porn in general terms. But now we must come to an idea of "emotional" porn. Immediately, upon incorporation of this emotional aspect, the thing itself becomes inherently subjective. Let me explain.

One's emotional drive and make-up is dependent on numerous other characteristics of a person: one's own sense of their identity, character: morals and values, as well as their childhood experiences that shaped them, and in a sense, some aspect of genetic nature. I believe what weighs most heavily in this issue of "emotional porn" is self-esteem and identity. Where you start on the "dissatisfaction with life" spectrum before you are exposed to an alternative reality determines, to a large degree, how it will affect you.

Now, for my own release, I will speak my indignant mind. In light of this last paragraph please allow me the intelligence and confidence in my own identity that I possess to speak for itself. You who know me, know me to be a logically-minded individual with strong character and contentment in the reality that God has provided - who just so happens to like Twilight. Does this last clause really cause such a detrimental fault to my intelligence as your rolling eyes (not directed at everyone, but those who have recieved my declaration with such) suggest? If so, I'm sorry you think so little of me. If you are hesitating in answering that last question, good - I've made you pause long enough to introduce some food for thought.

I will agree with you that emotional porn is a very real issue that girls face today. I say girls, because we are the ones who are being implicated in this debate - though there is a danger for guys as well. I will also agree that Twilight can be a part of this issue. But I want to make it very clear that the inclusion of anything to this category of emotional porn is based on individual experience and varies, however slightly or exponentially, from person to person. I would like to state, though, that, in as much as this perversive reality looks closer and closer like reality itself, one is all the more decieved and less likely to see the deception. Clearly there are worse things for girls' sensibilities than a vampire novel.

I also want to point out that, if a concept of an ideal is created which presents trusting relationships and faithful dependence within that relationship, without creating that dissatisfaction with life, yet replaces the meaningless dependency and distrust that is all some girls expect in life - I'm for it. Of course this is hinged on her own identity that will ensure the balance of these - I don't want you to think I'm straying from my earlier stipulation.

Okay, there are some arguments I have heard that I would like to discuss.
"Stephanie Meyer uses the thesaurus button way too much."
First and foremost, I never claimed she was an excellent writer. I never demanded her canonical inclusion. So, if your sole reason for loathing the Twilight series is her style of writing, your argument is purely subjective, based on your personal literary taste so I would ask you to stop trying to force your disapproving glare to dissuade my love of the novels.

"I can't value a book that was written for 14 year-old girls."
Well, if this is because of your insecurities as a man - then that's your problem. (I say this because I heard this argument from a guy). Harry Potter was written for the same age level - does your adult sensibility get offended here? Dickens wrote his novels entirely for monetary conpensation - does this offend your Romantic sensiblities? Also, if your interpretation and view of the content of the Twilight series is conceptually limited to your predisposed opinion of it as a book meant for 14 year-old girls, then you are apt to miss a deeper understanding of the difficult issues dealt with within the book such as the complexity of moral dilemmas, sacrificial love, faithfulness and trust within relationships - to name a few.

I guess I've gone on for quite a long time now. I'll stop, though I could go on. These are just some things that I've been wanting to articulte for a while. So now, when I mention Twilight, please have more to your argument than a smirk and a rolling of your eyes.

To Grandma

I wrote this on the 25th after my mom had called the night before, letting me know that Grandma might not make it through the night. Later on Tuesday my dad called to suggest I call her and say goodbye. They put the phone next to her ear, I'm not sure if she heard, but I got to tell her I loved her. My grandma passed away on the 27th, Thanksgiving morning. She's in heaven now and I'm thankful.

Memories, Thoughts - Scrambled.

Will I mourn? She will be whole.
Swimming with the jellyfish -
Wishing I was with her now.
I can't separate myself from the want to wipe her brow,
hold her hand and stand next to her bed.
Nights spent at her house
Falling asleep, her stroking my head.

Sparkle shirts, trips alone -
I got to have them to my own.
But then he left and she was left
but so much left to give.
Will she die, yet while I live?
How much longer - this world in pain
I hear her calling out my name,
the same greeting she gave as I jumped into her arms -
So young, now not so young, but still I long to be that young
to have that jump again.

I refused the spinach but accepted tea
My sisters, crimped, standing there next to me.
(Three states spread apart, still connected at the heart)
She had that couch,
the orange-colored sort -
yet couch it was not but grandma's "davenport."
(Wait, she plays tennis) I didn't understand,
but now I'm older, I've grown older
while she held onto my hand.

She taught me, brought me to school and now
I can't be with her in the end.
Please forgive me - I love you so -
can you hear that - know it when you go.
It's better there, she always knew that.
She'll stand there smiling and waving back.
Hand in hand with Grandpa too -
Grandma - I love you.

Procrastination and Vampires

I'm apologize for my lapse in posting - I have been so busy that it's been something I've been meaning to do but haven't. Busy? You ask. So you're not now?

Contrary to how my first sentence sounds, no, I mean, yes, I mean, I'm still busy. But now it's progressed to procrastination and so unending amounts of time have been made available for posting, figuring out new ways to put on eye shadow, picking out an outfit for school tomorrow, staring at the wall, and so on and so forth. It's quite incredible what can be done in that time between time of having everything and nothing to do. "Everything" being literal and "nothing" being metaphysical.

I've had loads of metaphysical time over the last weekend in which I've gotten to read the first two books in the Twilight series. Groan. I know, I know. Though they appeal to girls between the ages of 10 and 16 there has to be something to say for a novel that can capture the attention of college graduates and beyond, for its not just myself that has been caught reading them. Granted the writing is very basic but I find it very ironic, in the best possible way of course, that a book about vampires - who are meant to be captivating and entrancing creatures - is entrancing in itself, and I would go so far as to say - it should be.

There have been questions over the "emotional porn" that they are said to represent, but, though I do think that there are novels and movies that exist to this affect, there are much worse than Twilight. I personally have been fascinated with anything of a vampiric flavor (small joke) since I was young and so this has just been added to my reference list of intelligentsia (however fictional and unrealistic this knowledge may be). Vampires represent an inversion of immortality that I find interesting. Eternal life was meant to be existed in God's presence and to have that sentence (taken for it's negative exchange) be carried out on earth produces a creature consumed in a battle between his tortured soul and his freedom. I use the term "freedom" loosely here, being a human definition of the word, not free in the sense of being complete and whole, which is what I believe true freedom will one day be.

Okay, so I think I've written enough to refocus, though perhaps I've caused you confusion, and for that I apologize. I tend to write stream of consciousness. Deal. If, it turns out, I have not written enough to refocus you can expect another post in relatively 10 minutes or so.

Da da da dum da da dum...

What is that called?!?!

I think I might go crazy... literally. You know when you can't think of the word for something, or the movie that a quote is from... well this one is the bane of my existence.

What is it called when a singer sings "da da da dum da da" or "la li la li" or "do doot do doot doot do"... as in "Bubbly" by Colbie Callait, or in "Romeo" by the Kin (thought nobody would really know that one). Or Nemmy - in "Seize the Day" - "li de di de di, li de di de di da di..."

AHHHH!!! Please help.

Lesson 1 - Place One Foot in Front of the Other

Realizing that I'm less than two months away from walking backwards over a cliff - the cliff being graduation, and the walking backwards correlating with the fact that I don't have a job, a place to live, or any clue in either direction - I should be getting nervous and sweaty and all those other lovely things that accompany sheer terrifying situations. Class, were you paying attention? Should. The inference being - I'm not. Very good. Gold stars.

Naturally, one might assume some super-human strength or courage that permeates my very core in which would inspire tales of my wonderful childhood with feats of overwhelming risks and conquests, maybe even an interview with my parents or sisters of some sort. Naturally, if this were the case, I would decline any such offers of monetary award for the secret of my undaunted bravery, but would willingly play the lead character in the movie adaptation, after such would be other endorsements and action-hero squeaky dolls as to create stir enough to force me into early retirement and seclusion from all human contact. I would then wither away from all known society leading to a dissipating life of loneliness and disillusion with the world. Naturally, fortunately, this is not the case.

The truth is I have an amazing God who is in charge and has a complete and perfect plan and purpose for my life. Other than that I know nothing about my future.

Besides, of course, the fact that I will never condone action-hero squeaky Mindy dolls.

If you have any complete and serious suggestions, or not-so-serious would be fine as well, about life options, please Class, do speak up.

Life Beyond the Gray

I'm smoothing out on every side
this shirtsleeve where my heart resides
gonna need it for today

Packing up and shipping out
the suitcase stuffed with all that doubt
don't need it anyway

What of control and what of before
the fights and designs
this one heart's looking for more
Lying isn't dying for a cause
anymore than crying ever was.

There lies a road, there goes a path
a way that's lined with aftermath
what use is it to wait

I'll leave behind the smallest me
the one who only falls in me
a life beyond the gray.

(My attempts at putting music to these lyrics have been unsuccessful to this point - maybe someday)

The Kin: Rise and Fall

[This is the day we come to say
All of the pain has come and gone away

This is the ONE WING DOVE
Today we come TOGETHER]
- The Kin

Last night Heidi, Joel and I went to the Roxy Theater in Hollywood to see The Kin, a great band - two brothers from Australia whose harmony, lyrics and sound are incredible.

Isaac is on the left and Thorry on the right in this picture. After their set we got to talk to them for a little bit about their music. Really nice guys.

It was so much fun to just stand right in the front, sing along, dance, and not even care about anything; just listen and enjoy. It was an experience of beauty, really. The theme of hope runs throughout several songs, and my favorite is New Day (though it is hard to pick between that and Together, and really all the other ones as well) in which there is an amazing harmony on the repeated line "War is over..."

At one point they came down off the stage and asked everyone to make a tight circle around them, which we all did, then they sang "Abraham", a song about the war between the sons of Abraham. Well, when Heidi was singing along, Isaac, as he was standing in front of us, turned around and encouraged her to sing louder... nice. So she did. You can actually see it in the video posted below.



To check them out got to www.thekin.com or their myspace at www.myspace.com/thekin

Hope you enjoy their music as much as I do!

Walking Barefoot

(So this is the "This I Believe" project I ended up doing)

I know that sometimes shoes must cover my feet
There's sometimes someone the world wants me to be.
For example: a party and I must put on heels;
Don't get me wrong I love them, but it’s just not as real
As walking barefoot across the grass or the sand,
And I know that myself is exactly who I am.
No cover, no limit, no facade and no front
No "yes world" and "no world" - no "I'll be who you want."

When I go to the gym, I'm healthy, I wear tennies.
When I go to my job, I wear heels, I save pennies.
When I'm a daughter, I wear what fits the occasion.
When I'm a sister I borrow and lend with patience.
Yet barefoot I am me, I can stretch and let loose,
In that moment no persona or form I must choose.
It is in these moments that I believe
I can open my mind and my heart is set free.

Yes, it's true that walking barefoot through life
I'll cross different paths, some of joy some of strife.
The joy feels like carpet deep and so soft
And the strife feels like sharp gravel or rock.
Yet I yearn and I seek to walk only straight
To not veer from the course God's called me to take.
And walking straight I want to feel all that I may,
Of the hurt and the pain and the joy and the gain,
With no regret in those moments that I've walked my own way.

My bare feet may be dirty they may be scrubbed clean
But they're there to tell part of the story of me;
Of where I've been of what I've been through,
Of all that I've done and have still yet to do.
No shoe will cover that, if I can help it.
If I walk through it I want to have felt it.

I guess what I'm saying, the only way it can be put
Is that “I believe in walking through life barefoot."

Dinner Conversation

Mr. Manning told me that there is someone special out there for me, and I will meet him soon.... So, I'm excited.

This I Believe

I'm taking an American Literature class this semester and Dr. Van Zandt is one of those teachers that motivates you to really do your best. She has actually been added to my list of teachers that encourage my love for writing and literature. This week we have a project entitled "This I Believe". We can choose any form of project - paper, picture, song, dance - to present something we truly believe in. One of hers is joy, she believes in doing the things that bring her joy. For instance, her job. She loves teaching and talking about books and interacting with her students.

I have a lot of things I believe in. I, also, believe in joy. I don't think I could ever do something with my life that I don't get joy from and bring joy to others. That's why I love writing, it's not just for me. Here's a few more.

I believe in life. I believe that every child has the right to it.
I believe in laughter. It heals where nothing else can.
I believe in quilts. They are very comforting.
I believe in rain. That sometimes we just need to go out and stand in it.
I believe in smiling. You can make anyone's day better by just smiling at them.

There are a lot of things I believe in. It's funny too. There are so many things that we think we need, or can't live without. But what really brings us joy and hope are those things that we can't buy. I know this seems like an old concept and, of course, it's not the first time I've realized it, but there are moments where it really hits me. Like when looking at my Happy List (which, by the way, I will update soon). The majority of things on there are those simple things that most of us take for granted. Myself included. I love getting caught off guard by this realization. I believe in those moments where I truly am content. Like now. Papers, graduation concerns, relationships - all of it matters, of course, but stressing out about it won't make it better... or easier.

I believe in trust. That it is inseparably linked to hope and patience.

I believe in stream of consciousness, which this blog definitely possesses.

Where my thoughts go, there I write
to speak those words that have taken flight.

Firefly Memories

Out to the field you and I went walking one night
it was cold yet we both wore coats
There weren't any stars but somehow it seemed right
and neither of us spoke.

As we came to its edge we kneeled in the grass
the dampness seeping through our jeans
but we didn't care as our gaze was held fast
to the firefly memories.

You point out the first one, its bright and fast
I watch my first love dart and play
it is brighter than the rest but doesn't last
and flits and flies away.

I spot the next and its flying steady
our friendship through the years
I grab your hand and you let me
and you don't even mind the tears.

The next we both see together, two alike
side by side we watch them awhile
together they make the brightest light
the realization makes us smile.

Walking back from the field hand in hand
we wouldn't give up on our dreams
the ones that we've had the ones that still stand
as twirling firefly memories.

Freedom!

So, this post is directly a result of my friend Melissa's post.

I want to go back to Scotland. I want to be cold yet warm in layers of clothes. I want to walk the road from the train to the William Wallace Monument. I want to swim in Loch Ness (which I didn't have the guts to last year in October). I want to see green hills. Lots of them. I want fall with orange and gold and yellow and red leaves. I want to spend hours and hours in the used book store in Inverness.

Here's a little of what I'm missing.




















"What would the world be, once bereft of wet and wildness?
Let them be left, O let them be left, wildness and wet;
Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet."
Gerard Manley Hopkins

Pressure: Not Conducive to Genius

I don't know what to write about. My roommate Candice is forcing me to write a blog right now because she says I'm falling behind.
Falling behind whom, you might ask.
Why, what a great question, I would reply.
Behind the other blogs she reads, which just so happen to be the two that I follow. You see, she gets on to mine and then gets sucked into the vortex of blog reading that has permeated the online world - and I will mention that I use vortex and permeate in the best possible senses, I love blogs, hence this ones' existence. That's not the point.
I'm being forced now to write something that clearly no one will find interesting or informing and, in being both dull and dumb, will turn my readers so off from anything else I might endeavor to create that my career as a novelist will be eternally damaged.
A novelist? you ask. What have you written?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, I will dodge your question, as there are a number of novels I have thought but never written... a theoretical, figurative, metaphoric connotation to the word novelist is what I was aiming at really.
Ahem, what was I speaking on before?
Your readers.
Thank you. Now, I know that up to this point, my faithful readers have followed my writings with such persistent excitement as to what I will "come up with next" that such mere wordling meanderings and senten-sical nonsense will come as quite a shock to those most loyal, which by the way I mean Candice herself. She is actually sitting right next to me and has no idea but that I'm writing a fantastic piece of modern literature with that ongoing hint of comedy tinging the edges. I guess the comical part I cover quite well through sarcasm but I'm not sure she'll say the same. Perhaps I should post and have done with this.
Perhaps you are right, you say.
Thanks, I like to think I am every now and then. Just my little portion of the unequal distribution of intellectual capital.

The Happy List - Part I

So my genius sister told me to write a Happy List. She showed me hers: a hundred things that make her happy. Now, this happy list can range from serious happy, or joy, all the way down to plain-jane happy, like bringing a smile to your face. I've been working on mine and am currently on 73 - hundred is quite a lot and I want to get it right. So this here is Part I, meaning numbers 1-25. And no, they aren't in order from greatest to least, or vice versa, just happy as it comes.

1. Holding hands
2. Baby laughs
3. Getting mail in my mailbox (or better yet, a package!)
4. Laying on the beach in the sun
5. Taking a nice long shower after a day at the beach
6. Playing games with my family
7. Hearing a song that, even if I tried to, I couldn't help but dance to
8. Clear skin - no zits on my face
9. Finding a pair of jeans that fits just right
10. Hugs from my niece and nephews
11. Holding babies (happy ones)
12. Getting soaked in the rain
13. Feeling pretty - like, really pretty
14. Climbing under layers of quilts when I'm cold
15. Running when you float (i.e. you don't feel every step)
16. Brushing my teeth after they feel particularly dirty
17. The feeling when I finish a huge paper or project
18. Laying on deep carpet
19. Writing a good poem
20. Hearing Les Miserables music
21. When a guy I like tells me he likes me
22. Laughing
23. The Mufasa joke
24. Stretching after a hard workout
25. Playing the quote game

That's it for now. I mean, I do have more, but I figure I'll keep my avid readers in suspense - you know "Tune in next week as Mindy's Happy List moves on to number 26..." Sorry, lame.

I am a Triathlon.

Gas: $8
Sleep Before: 5 hours
Completion Time: 1 hour, 22 minutes
Continental Breakfast: Fo' free
Three Naps: 2 hours, 39 minutes

Finishing my first Triathlon: Priceless.

LTD
Living The Dream.

I won't lie, turning back crossed my mind after swimming 100 yards. Let's just say I'm not a swimmer. I was pleasantly surprised by the biking - I thoroughly enjoyed it, even considering that the bike seat was too high and all up in my business (sorry, if that's too much information). I didn't even fall down once (well, that is if you don't count transitioning between the bike to running, when I tried to do the latter before I was completely off the former). Running, big fan. Especially when Toth - who had already finished, of course - ran with me the last mile and encouraged me to pick up the pace. "Tie an imaginary lasso around that girl up there and draw her in." The last quarter-mile I felt like throwing up and was pretty convinced I never wanted to feel like that ever again. But crossing that finish line - with my heart pounding, my body drenched half in sweat and half in ocean, and the blisters on the insides of my sock-less feet burning - was the most painfully joyous moment I've ever experienced. Now I can't wait for the next one.

I guess, first, I'll learn how to swim. That might help.

Have You Ever Run One?? No.

Wow, it's like Christmas. Only I've got pain, sore muscles, and exhaustion to look forward to. And I guess on Christmas morn I don't get so extremely nervous that I feel like throwing up. So maybe not so much like Christmas. But the excitement factor is there. Tomorrow I'm running a sprint Triathlon down in Coronado, CA, near San Diego. And no, I've never run one before so, hence, all the emotional turmoil.

First, the race starts with an 800 meter swim out in Glorietta Bay, which, of course, I haven't trained for. I mean, I went to the beach last week - so, check. Next, it moves onto an 11.5 mile bike ride along the Silver Strand. Now my beach cruiser gets me most places and I'm pretty comfortable on it - so good thing I'm riding a complete different bike that I fell off of last night trying to get onto. Finally, the race finishes off with a 3 mile run, and considering I work at a fitness center and get to look at treadmills all day - done-zos. Just kidding, the last part is where I feel comfortable, but who knows after the events preceding this part. Oh, did I fail to mention that the course is not closed to traffic so at the same time I trying to breath and live I have to focus on not getting killed (which to some people may see as the same thing - though it is quite different). Good.

Wish me luck!

So Here Goes Everything

I'm not sure who will read this, and I don't know if they'll like it. But what I do know is that I enjoy writing so hopefully others enjoy reading. My sister has a blog and I've really enjoyed getting updated with things that she forgets to tell me in her emails - or otherwise just tells me to look here. Please don't hate me if you're bored, it'll get better I promise. Thanks anyways for just getting this far, I'm proud of you.

There once was a girl who just knew,
to write was what she should do.
So she captured her thoughts and plots and what-nots
and wrote them down here just for you.

Enjoy!