A Taste of This Life

My heart. Rooted so deeply in this life.

Howard Shore plays on repeat as I recall this day.

A hike through the woods.
Going slow, of course. I was still concussed.
Happened upon this open space.
Kind of what Korea was. An open space.
We all became ourselves.
Whit kicked a ball around, took a nap on the bench, then talked to Tay.
Tay played with Cha's hair then listened to Whit.
Kel soaked in everyone's presence, then went for a walk.
Cha planted herself firmly on the ground. And read.
Katie and I took over the bench. Took naps, then talked about God.
We all breathed deeply.
It was a good day.
Korea has been a great day.

"It's Up to Joe"

So as many of you know, I've been struggling with a pretty big decision. I've been living in Korea for over 10 months now, which is probably the longest I've lived in one location in a long time. It feels good to have that consistency. I've lived here. I've grown here.

But now I'm coming to that part of the story where I must choose something. I must choose to stay, or choose to go. This decision is hard. I have people I love and care about in either choice. I've been struggling for the last two months with this knowledge. And of course I know that my decision cannot be made solely on people. I can't stay in Korea for people. And I can't go back for people. That can be a huge factor, but not the sole factor - people can also make the choice to stay or leave.

So I came to God one night. Asked Him for an answer. "God, just reveal your will. Whatever you want me to do, wherever you want me to go. Just tell me." And then I waited. And kept waiting. And wondered why He wasn't answering. I would feel absolute certainty for one direction for about 5 minutes, and then everything would change and I'd be completely sure in the other direction. It was painful. And no fun at all.

I'm usually indecisive and generally stay as far away from decisions as I can get. But big things like this - once I make a decision, that's pretty much it. Done deal. Except for now. And all of a sudden I wasn't making a decision about what I was doing in 2 months, rather, I was hinging my whole life's course on the step I took now. Or in other words, I started exaggerating everything in my mind. What was I supposed to do with my life? Where did God want me to do it?

Amidst all of the confusion, anxiety and frustration that this brought, He answered. Clear and simple. But unlike I had expected, as God usually answers.

"My purpose for your life, Mindy, is not a direction. It's you. You following me. Do you think that I am only found at the end of one pathway? That if you walk down a road right now you won't find me there? No. You are seeking me with all your heart. So you will find me, wherever that is. Whichever way you choose to go, I'm going to bless you. Stop being afraid you're going to make the wrong choice. It doesn't exist. You wanted me to tell you what to do? I am - choose."

There's so much freedom in that. To know that my God trusts me.

As for the title of this blog - random movie quote, because I couldn't write a completely serious post.