I often wonder why one meets certain people. Why, why is there that connection? You talk and talk, about nothing really, and after a brief friendship of two weeks, part ways. It's not like you want anything more out of the relationship, but you start to wonder if that's really all there is. We meet for brief moments and then it's gone.
And what is brief? Of all the people you know, which ones do you really know? I mean, like really understand what they want out of life, and where they are headed, and what they believe and hope for from their relationships, and whether they feel like they've succeeded more than they've failed in life. Do you even know that about yourself?
What do I want out of life? Hmm. Good question. I don't know if anyone else really understands that part of me. I don't know if I understand it. But, the thing is, maybe it's because I've never articulated it. We never do, do we? To ourselves, even.
I want life to be exciting but not exhausting. I want to feel needed but not weighed down. I want to see my children grow up, but I don't want to grow old and forget them growing up. I want to know more today than I did yesterday, but want to know less about what I already know and more about what I don't. I want to understand what it means to love someone even when I can't stand to be near them for one second longer. I want to laugh so hard I cry, a lot. Can I have all of these?
Where I'm headed, I don't really know. That one is hard, because I've been heading in the same direction all my life, but by very different means. Sometimes I'm sprinting towards an ending and sometimes there is no ending. Sometimes I'm lingering in the small times, and at those times they don't seem so small. Sometimes I've completely been enraptured by the scenery of the moment and don't want to take one more step. Sometimes I've taken the wrong turn, gone back, and found the right one. So, hopefully, I'm heading towards a wider scope, a greater imagination, a lover's heart, a more open opinion of the world around me, a grander view of humanity's purpose and a more faithful portrayal of my beliefs.
I believe that the relationships in my life are shaping me. They are molding me, not into copies of them, but into who I was always supposed to be. Like, I've been surrounded by people that have helped me become more me. And without them, I would be less me. God-appointed, destiny-ridden, karma-affected relationships. The last one, because I hope that I am shaping those around me. I am molding them into who they are supposed to be. Without me, they wouldn't be them. Well, they would, but not as much as if I weren't there.
To succeed in life, or to fail, stems from the discussion of comparison. And I've learned that I don't like comparison. If I succeeded at school, was it because I got good grades, or was it because I came out with a lot of friends. If I succeeded with my family, is it because I still love being with them, or because I've learned to be who I know they love me to be. If I succeeded with friends, is it because I make them who they want to be, or I demand that they approve of me. And what of failure. Because certainly that's harder to ignore than all those good times that we never remember to be grateful for. If I failed at relationships, is it because I wanted too much, or they expected too much from me. If I failed at integrity, is it because I demanded justice and forgot grace, or abused grace and wavered justice. If I failed at communication, is it because I wanted to say so many things and never got the courage, or was it I knew that, in the end, saying something wouldn't change anything.
Now, saying all of this, how do I expect to really say I know you. Or him. Or them. I can't. I can hardly say it about myself, in fact, I can't. Because of everything that I've stated, I've kept it brief, and general. I can't really begin to explore the deep recesses of these questions without coming across things in myself that surprise, frighten, excite, and enrage me. And all those emotions, if found in others on a similar quest, would lead to quite a different encounter and conclusion than understanding and friendship. Or maybe not. Maybe these are the things that should and must be explored. In ourselves, and in others. Because otherwise we are just hard, thick shells encasing unknown regions of fluid passions. Whether you change or they change, it doesn't matter, because for that brief moment, you were known. And if you keep saying it out loud these brief moments will maybe connect one day and your life has suddenly become a shared experience that is necessary, albeit an overlooked necessity, for the soul.
The soul. Yes, it is one person's. It can't belong to more than one. Yet, the soul, as a substance, thing, creature, being - whatever you want to call it - is relational. Whether it means being known by you, yourself, which can and will take a lifetime but should be the most sought-after discovery of any human life, or whether it's reaching outside of just that, and letting your soul, the very core of this moving, breathing, existence be exposed to the searching eyes of others who have long since been working on their own soul discovery enough to think to look outwards as well. And in that moment, where you both have understood the importance of such a short, seemingly small, encounter, you are both known.
And the brief moment no longer seems brief.
And not to make you think I'm bitter at this window next to my bed, on the contrary. If I lay on my right side and look straight out, it's almost like I'm sleeping outside. That completely makes up for all the early mornings.
Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the balcony. Yes. There's a door at the head of my bed, you can see it in the picture below, that leads to our balcony.
The roof is an easy step up from there. I love sitting on roofs. Just last week I Skyped with Cha up there. Beautiful.
So there you have it. My home.
